I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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