I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
