you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
