I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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