The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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