he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
