At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
