Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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