Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
