How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
