First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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