I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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