i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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