I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
