dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
