last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
