I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
