i wish my penis had a tongue
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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