to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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