yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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