Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
