When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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