I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize