someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
