I wanna passion pit in your ass
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
