mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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