I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
