May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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