I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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