I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
