True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
