I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
