Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
