were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
