theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
