just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
