dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
so much tequila, so little girl.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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