The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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