I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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