evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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