they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
