my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Let's paint friendship bongs
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
