you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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