My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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