im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
