On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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