I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
