Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
