i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
