I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
