Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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