Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
