I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
