i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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