Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
