Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
