I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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