You're my little dorito
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
