okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
