Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize