At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I am one with the molecules
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
